Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Courage...



cour·age
ˈkərij,ˈkə-rij/
noun
  1. the ability to do something that frightens one.
    "she called on all her courage to face the ordeal"
    • strength in the face of pain or grief.
      "he fought his illness with great courage"
      synonyms:bravery, courageousness, pluck, pluckiness, valor, fearlessness,intrepidity, nervedaringaudacity, boldness, grit, true 
grit, hardihood,heroismgallantryMore


Our four amazing kids, my husband, they are the definition of courage!  Last year at this time we were at the beach creating memories to last a lifetime.  



We can't believe that was a year ago!  Today, three of our four kiddos and their dad are spending the day at Hershey Park, one of Lucy's all time favorite places.  She loved it there, not sure why exactly as it's an amusement park and she was not really capable of riding many of the rides, but the smell of chocolate was everywhere :). Luc would often dream of eating all of the peanut butter from all of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, silly girl.  I chose to stay home today, to work in solidarity on some things that need my undivided time and attention.  To be honest, I'm not much of a roller coaster girl myself, the last six years have been enough of an adrenaline rush for me, thank you very much.  But also, I think I want my memories of Hershey park to be the ones that I have with all six of us.  I'm OK with that, and so too is the rest of my family.  Figuring out how to live life without Lucy...it's by far the most difficult thing we will ever have to do in our lives, it requires courage - strength in the face of pain or grief.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

And Now She's Nine...

(Photo of her in her Lullaby League costume from the play the Wizard of Oz - July 2014)

Today is Sophie's birthday, a much anticipated event in our house! 

She is "finally" nine, her words not mine.

To her dad and I it feels like she is nine going on nineteen or even ninety.  Seriously, this kid is wise beyond her years!!!!

She is one truly amazing kiddo - so beautiful on the inside and out!

What she has experienced in her nine years on this earth, many have not experienced in a lifetime.

Last night she was praying and asked God to give her the strength to get through today without Lucy.  Cue the Mama's tears!   She told God how she is going to miss having Lucy blow out her candles with her and sing "Happy Birthday" over, and over, and over, and over...

Beautiful, smart, silly, independent, faithful Sophie we love you and hope that Nine is everything you want it to be, and then some.

Monday, August 11, 2014

I was here...


We miss seeing her beautiful face everyday, and thought you might be missing her too.  
Password: Lucy
Warning: Tissue Alert

Friday, August 8, 2014

We are doing the impossible...

My silence on the pages of this blog has been somewhat intentional.

We are living with what is considered by many to be "the worst thing that can happen to a parent".

 If truth be told, I've needed some time to process.

I have been writing, it's just one of the many ways I try and process things.  I just haven't published a lot of what I have written.  Maybe one day I will...as for now I am feeling too vulnerable, too emotional.

It's impossible for me, for us, to believe that today August 8th, 2014 at 7:34pm marks six months, 181 days, 4,344 hours since our Lucy died and went to Heaven.

Impossible!

Six months, a half a year, feels like something we should commemorate, it's a substantial amount of time.

I believe that I have discovered one of the many places where evil resides...it's in the numbers, dates that hold significance to an emotional event, the clock, the calendar...

In so many ways, it feels as if her death just occurred, and in other ways it feels as if an eternity has passed.

I think it goes without saying, we miss her more than words can describe!  More often than not I'm unsure of how I'm going to survive one more minute without her, but I promise to God, to Lucy, myself, and the rest of my family that I will continue to do my best with what I have, and try!

I know I've said this before, and I'll probably say it for the rest of my life, everyday in honor of Lucy we get up and do the impossible...attempt to live life without her.


Thursday, August 7, 2014

For the Love of Lucy Forever Fridays...




It was right around the time Lucy died that our kids came up with a way of remembering their sister.  

They and their closest friends devised a plan to each wear their Lucy Shirts on Friday, which quickly turned into every Friday.  

At first, I'll be honest, I didn't notice the pattern.  It wasn't until Megan had a melt down in front of a huge pile of dirty laundry on a Friday morning just weeks after Lucy died that I was clued into the pattern.   Crying to me inconsolably, Megan told me through her tears that she NEEDED to wear her Lucy shirt because it was FRIDAY.  

Out of curiosity now,  I asked her what the significance of wearing her Lucy shirt on a Friday meant.  

To her, it meant the world!  

Wearing her shirt every Friday was her way of keeping Lucy alive in her heart and the hearts of so many who love and support her, Lucy,  and our entire family for that matter.  

Tomorrow Friday August 8, 2014 marks six months since Lucy left this earth and ascended into Heaven where she will live for eternity.   If you are one of the hundreds who own a Lucy shirt, would you please join us in wearing your Lucy shirt tomorrow on what will be not just another For the Love of Lucy Forever Friday, but the six month anniversary of her death. 

It would mean the world to us, to our kids!

We could never do this alone, we don't have to, and for that we are so grateful! 

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Lucy in the Sky...


One of our all time fav's... Lucy in the Sky - September 2008

Ever since Lucy died Drew has been looking for Lucy in the sky.  

This might sound silly to some of you, especially if you know my husband, an astute scientist who studies data and looks for trends and statistical significance.  

He is looking at the cloud formations, looking for the letters in Lucy's name.   

He takes pictures of the cloud letters and then shows them to me, asking me if I see what he sees.  

I love that he does this.  

I love that he is looking for her, in the sky nonetheless.  I mean, who doesn't know the infamous Beetles song "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds"?  

It doesn't make any sense, but neither does the death of a child.

On Monday night when we returned home from a marathon day, Drew called to me to look up in the sky.  For a very brief moment there was a cloud formation that looked as if it read "Lucy", every letter in her name was practically visible.  

Just as quickly as it appeared it disappeared; too fast for us to even photograph, but we both saw it.  Lucy in the sky...  

He's one of the best!  Lucy and Daddy - January 2014


Monday, May 19, 2014

One Hundred Days...



Drew and I woke this morning with that now all too familiar look in our eyes.

The look that says, "I miss her!"

One hundred days ago we thanked God for the precious gift of Lucy and then handed her back to him and said, "She's yours, take good care of her!"

We reiterated to Lucy in her final moments how very proud we are of her, how she accomplished everything she was sent to this earth to do and was now free to go, how much we love her, and that we will see her again soon.

For Lucy, we have been told, that it will feel like a blink of an eye and then we will be there in Heaven with her for eternity.

For us, one hundred days feels like an eternity...

How are we?

We are like a family on a wire, one wrong move and we all fall!  We are here for one another, and we don't for one second take that for granted!

Grief is fierce.

Feelings just are.

We miss the way life used to be.

We miss our girl.

One hundred days ago I had no idea what this type of pain felt like, NO idea.

One hundred days ago I never imagined that I could live one day without Lucy, let alone one hundred days.

One hundred days ago our life forever changed in a way that will never be able to be "fixed".

One hundred days ago I only knew the myths of grief, now I am beginning to understand the realities.

One hundred days ago Lucy took with her a bit of all of our hearts.  She is keeping them with her until we meet again, where we will once again be made whole. 

One hundred days of grieving, it's only just the beginning, we will grieve for the rest of our lives.